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Ozzie · Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 10:27 pm Post subject:

How to change the oil

Purchase oil.
Run the car up on ramps.
Dig a hole in the back yard to bury the oil
Put drain pan under car and remove sump plug.
Drop hot sump plug (after burning fingers) into oil pan which is filling up with hot oil.
Have a beer while waiting for the oil to drain.
Have another beer as that didn’t even wet the tongue.
Tip oil out and refill hole.
Refill engine with oil.
Notice sump plug is not in and dig around in muddy oil in back yard to find it.
Clean off sump plug and refit.
Call friend to drive you to auto shop for more oil
Have another 2 beers while waiting for friend to arrive.
Refill car after trip to auto shop and the Local for more beer.
Have another 2 beers with friend
Take car for test drive and get pulled up for drunk driving.

Cost for local garage to change oil $40.

DIY cost
Oil $20
Beer $35
Fine and loss of license $500
Cost of public transport for 6 months $600
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

tux · Joined: 02 Jul 2006 Posts: 133 Location: Nottingham UK

Wish I could meet you in real life Ozzie, I bet you are a scream!
_________________
Pete
Merlin Guards Red 1985 N/A

Benji0301 · Joined: 18 Sep 2005 Posts: 66 Location: UK

Little red riding hood was skipping through the woods on her way to Granma's house when the wolf jumped out from behind a tree, ripped her top off and grabbed her tits

With this Little Red Riding hood ripped of her skirt pulled down her knickers & said "Eat me! like the #### book say's"

Ozzie · Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 6:40 am Post subject:

tux · Joined: 02 Jul 2006 Posts: 133 Location: Nottingham UK

morghen · Joined: 21 Jan 2005 Posts: 9102 Location: Romania

sorry for the offtopic...

Benji0301...could you please share some photos with the car in your avatar please...the grey one... ?
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https://www.the924.com

Khal · Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 4:11 pm Post subject:

OK, it's not technically a joke. But I still thought it was pretty funny...

A story in Australian news today reports that metal in some Australian coins is almost worth as much as the coin itself, mainly due to the boom in copper prices.

The funny bit is that apparently some British coins are worth nearly twice their face value! So the Government had to issue a warning not to melt down the coins! It's a criminal offence, apparently... same in Australia (I never knew that). Carries a AU$5,000 fine in Oz!
_________________
'80 924 Turbo

Benji0301 · Joined: 18 Sep 2005 Posts: 66 Location: UK

A teacher suspected that one of his pupils Tyrone was copying the work of Grace the student who sat next to him so he decided to test out his theory.

He told the class that only using pictures & not words to illustrate what drugs do to you. Grace picked up her pen & drew a large circle & a small circle beside it.

The teacher watched Tyrone & saw him looking at Graces picture & then drew a small circle with a large circle beside.

The teacher thought great i've got you now Tyrone & asked race to explain her picture. She indicated the large circle & said this is your brain before you take drugs & the little circle is your brain after you take drugs.

Excellent the teacher said & turned to Tyrone and asked him to do the same. Tyrone point at the small circle and said My brother got involved in drugs once and when he went to prison his arsehole was this size & when he got out.....

dpw928 · Joined: 02 Nov 2002 Posts: 1860 Location: owasso, ok 74055

Khal,

The US is having the same problem with pennies in that the zinc and copper are worth more. They are studying the option to drop the coin and let everyone round to the nearest $.05. When I lived in England we did this at the base exchanges as our pennies were illegal over there. They were the same size as the old English 6 pence which was worth $.06 then. You could make out like a bandit in the vending machines. LOL

Dennis
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81 931 5 sp
78 928 5 sp Silver
78 928 AT Euro Black

Ozzie · Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:15 am Post subject:

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say \"screw you.\"

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
You get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your spouse any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

Ozzie · Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 6:12 am Post subject:

Birth Order Fun

Your Clothes:
- 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GY confirms your pregnancy.
- 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
- 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
******************************************************
Preparing for the Birth:
- 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
- 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
- 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
******************************************************
The Layette:
- 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
- 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
- 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
******************************************************
Worries:
- 1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
- 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
- 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
******************************************************
Pacifier:
- 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
- 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
- 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
******************************************************
Diapering:
- 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
- 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
- 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. ******************************************************
Activities:
- 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
- 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
- 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
******************************************************
Going Out:
- 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
- 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
- 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
******************************************************
At Home:
- 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
- 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
- 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
******************************************************
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
- 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
- 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
- 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
******************************************************
GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live!
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

Paul · Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 10:43 am Post subject:

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
>
>Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.

>I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
>
>His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
>store was locked up, the boss came down.
>
>How many customers bought something from you today?
>
>The kid says "one".
>
>The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
>day. How much was the sale for?"
>
>The kid says "$101,237.65".
>
>The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
>
>The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
>medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
>new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
>said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
>went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
>Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I

>took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
>Expedition."
>
>The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a

>BOAT and a TRUCK?"
>
>The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and

>I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
_________________
White 87 924S "Ghost"
Silver 98 986 3.6l 320 HP "Frank N Stein"
White 01 986 "Christine"
Polar Silver 02 996TT. "Turbo"
Owned and repaired 924s since 1977
Porsche: It's not driving, it's therapy.

Ozzie · Posted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 4:13 pm Post subject:

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!”
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

Ozzie · Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 12:26 pm Post subject:

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an Englishman, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks: That Paddy (Irish) bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark – she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irishman thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English bastard again.....
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

Ozzie · Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 8:26 am Post subject:

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance